An open letter to my freshman year of college friends.
I would like to start this off by saying thank you. Thank you for all the memories we made, the good and the bad, and all the times we shared together as a family away from my family. We had some great laughs and hell of a lot of good times. Towards the end it got a little rough, but regardless, the times we shared made it all worth it in the end.
Cedar City is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to. The nature surrounding the city is like nothing I’ve ever seen. Having come from Los Angeles, I never had the opportunity to go camping, but you all took me one of the first weekends of school. It was a new experience that I absolutely loved, and we continued to go camping until the Utah winter hit. And a special thanks to Austin’s truck that made some further parts accessible because of its 4X4 capabilities.
“Hindsight is always 20–20”
Some know this, others may have assumed, and some may have simply not have known, but towards the first couple weeks of college I stopped taking my mental health medication. Why I decided to do that, I’m still not sure. And that was the start of my downfall. I was also struggling with Bi-polar Type Two (which wasn’t diagnosed till January of 2021) and Borderline Personality Disorder (that wasn’t until March of 2021) which made my life very difficult. I have a lot of self-shame for decisions I made, and conflicts I started with some of you. Poor lack of judgement caused by mental health issues, mixed with the party lifestyle of a freshman in college was not a good combo to say the very least. I was fighting issues that I didn’t even know I had until the damage they created was done. And I think that was the hardest part.
I was a lot, I know. I bounced around from this friend group to that friend group, burning bridges at every one, never taking the time to look back and see the mess I made. But I simply couldn’t see, because in my unmedicated, manic, pessimistic, mind, it was all “normal.” But it was very far from it. I feel so much regret for my actions I took against some of you, and you accepting it. I don’t blame you guys for needing breaks from me. Looking back I can confidently say, when I was manic or having an episode, I was very toxic. But I just couldn’t see that at the time.
The best way I can describe how I look back on my intense mood swings that occurred the majority of freshman year is the saying “Hindsight is always 20 20,” because I look back on the decisions that I made, see the mistakes and misjudgment in them, and wish I had the clear head I have now. But I made the best decisions, with the information I had, in the circumstances that I was in at that particular point in time. At least that’s how I’m trying to look at it, because it makes it a little easier.
Keep your friends close…
I made some enemies in college, which is unfortunate because I moved to Utah so I could get away from all the drama, but it happened regardless. I wish it didn’t happen but it did, and I can only learn from the experience and try to not make the same mistakes next time. So to those that don’t like me, I sincerely apologize for my actions, because the last thing I wanted to do was to make enemies.
Needless to say, I was not in a good place. But regardless of that, I still made some of the strongest friendships I have made in my 19 years of being alive, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. All of you have done so much for me, sometimes without even knowing it, and have helped and supported me, even when I couldn’t support myself. But you guys were always there, for whatever I needed, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
The comeback.
“Where is he mentally now?’ you might ask. Well this is the part that I am most proud of. I am currently working extremely hard to better myself. I sobered up, and started grinding. I am currently going to the gym six days a week, two hours a day, helping my neighbors with little jobs here and there to save up money, and the most important part, is that I joined an intensive outpatient program (IOP) which is helping me learn more about my disorders and diagnoses, and how I can fight against them. I am focusing on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) which is rewiring the way I think and the way I approach situations. BPD has caused me to have such a negative and pessimistic view on life that it’s hard to think that everything doesn’t suck, but the journey has already started, and I am motivated to finish it all the way through.
The whole reason I’m writing this is to 1. Reflect upon myself and put my feelings onto paper. Number 2. To give a different perspective. Everyone saw the reactions, but never the cause of them. I want to help as many people that knew me in Utah understand why I acted the way I did. It’s been hard for me to accept my actions, accept that that was me, because looking back, it doesn’t feel like that was . When memories come back it’s almost like I’m watching a film about what not to do.
“Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family”
Now this part I was going to say “Sorry” to you all for my actions. But while I am sorry, I don’t think that’s a good way to put it. So instead I’m “Thankful.” Thankful for every single one of you. Thankful that you didn’t leave me when I needed you. Thankful how you all took me in, accepted me for who I was, and stayed right by my side through it all. I love you all so much, you have no idea. You guys helped me through the most difficult year that I’ve had with my mental health ever. And looking back on the other side of it, I am so grateful for everything you all have done for me.
Next I would like to share some of my favorite memories:
Camping with Chris Austin KG Chris Jordan and Brandon
Brianhead with all the homies
Going to San Hollow with everyone
The benders at Ben’s house
The Family dinners
Basically living in Ella And Gracies dorm
Free-styling with Chris and Elsa watching and cheering us on
Anytime up in Cedar south
“Rita’s” Runs
The times at Old Sorell
Jammin out on the guitar with all of you
As well as many, many more.
Remember this…
So if you get one thing out of this, please take away that I love you all, so much. I’m working on myself so I can be braver, stronger, and better when I come back to cedar. I’m getting better and better as each day passes, and am optimistic about the future. I love you all, and thank you once again.
Sincerely Your Friend,
Noah Barbush
